


You're Everywhere to Me

by myxstorie



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, KAT-TUN (Band), NewS (Band)
Genre: Character Death, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-10-23
Updated: 2009-10-23
Packaged: 2018-02-10 02:58:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2008365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myxstorie/pseuds/myxstorie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Warning for character death. Written for the <a href="http://myxstorie.livejournal.com/14088.html">Pin-Meme</a>, for the prompt 'Yamapi has to deal with Jin's death in a motorcycle accident'.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You're Everywhere to Me

Ever since the accident, nothing could be the same. Jin was everywhere, everywhere he looked, on everything he smelt, in everything he touched... Yamapi couldn't take it, couldn't move on when he saw Jin with every glance.

Yamapi had known something was wrong the moment he walked through the door. Jin wasn't due home for another two hours yet, but something didn't feel right, and the moment he switched on the television he knew why.

_"...motorcycle hit by drunk driver...speeding through a red light...third-party called the emergency services...unclear on the status of the situation..."_

Yamapi could never tell anyone how he knew, he just _knew. Something_ had him grabbing his shoes from the mat and racing back outside. The place they had been talking about wasn't two minutes away by foot, just in the opposite direction from the route he had taken home, and he ran faster than he had ever run before in his life, too scared to waste time getting into his car or even putting his shoes on. The concrete was rough and unforgiving beneath his feet, and he felt the skin scratching and tearing, but he kept on running until he could see the flashing lights, could hear the din of engines, reporters, people... He shoved his way through the crowd that had gathered - _sick fucks, the lot of them_ \- elbowing through the last row of people until he could see the mess, the car, the front dented from the impact, the skidmarks on the road, the bike off on its side, the bike, Jin's bike...

Yamapi didn't remember what he yelled, only that he did, rushing forwards under the police tape, shrugging off the police who tried to stop him until he could see him, spread out on a stretcher, the unnatural angle of his neck telling him far more than the paramedics ever could.

 _Jin..._ Yamapi's whole world imploded at that moment, the lights and shapes blurring through his tears, the concrete shredding his hands now, too, and the one thing he could hear was the voice of a man, slurred but undeniably alive, "Get the fuck off me, I ain't killed no-one, don't be so fucking stupid-"

For days, Yamapi refused to see anyone, holing himself up in his apartment and throwing the deadbolt so that even Ryo, with his key, was locked out. He could no longer count the number of times his phone had rung, probably had an inbox overflowing with messages, but couldn't bring himself to even open the curtains. He didn't want light, Jin was always his light, and now he was gone. Yamapi never wanted to see the sun again.

He didn't want to turn the television on, knew the news would be full of reports of Jin's death, didn't want to hear about how his group were feeling about it, didn't want to see the reports of how Yamashita Tomohisa hadn't left his apartment since the accident. He didn't want to hear all the conclusions they would undoubtedly be drawing, didn't care about the rest of the world. They didn't matter, not anymore.

By the fourth day, Ryo and Uchi had taken to taking turns standing outside Yamapi's door and banging, calling and shouting for him to open it. One would stand there for hours, then the other would take over. Every few minutes Yamapi would shout at them to leave him alone, but they stayed long into the night, Ryo's voice filtering through the wood, begging him to open the door. Yamapi didn't think he'd ever heard Ryo beg in his life, but it took them two more hours, until he'd stopped telling them to leave and Ryo started pleading with him not to do anything stupid and just let them see him so they knew he was okay.

Ryo had never sounded so scared, so utterly desperate, and despite his grief Yamapi couldn't bear to hear his friend like that.

-

Things had gotten better ever since he decided to let Ryo and Uchi in. They had brought food, which they practically forced down his throat when they saw how skinny he had gotten, and they both stayed with him while he slept, there for him to cling to and sob against whenever he woke without Jin beside him.

Day by day, the pain around his heart and in his stomach lessened, and soon he could venture outside, even went back to work, although the dark glasses never came off and the smiles that were so common off-camera were never seen.

The papers were all very sympathetic, couldn't imagine how it must feel to lose one's best friend so suddenly - Yamapi scoffed at every one of them, and his bandmates soon learned not to leave them lying around lest the papers found their way into the bin and Yamapi ended up locked in a bathroom stall.

Months later, Yamapi was still grieving. He went about his everyday life as normal, but every night when he arrived home, it would hit him all over again. Jin's things were still in the wardrobe, his toothbrush still in the bathroom, his coffee mug still on the shelf, and if Yamapi caught a draft, he would _swear_ he could still smell him.

It was driving him insane. Sleep refused to come - whenever he closed his eyes, all he could see was Jin. When he buried his face in the pillows, he could smell him, when he curled up in a ball beneath the sheets he could _feel_ him, feel the warmth against his back where Jin would curl around him, feel the weight across his stomach where Jin's arm would hold him close...

He was barely surviving on two or three broken hours of sleep a night, and it was beginning to show. He was wilting, sluggish in his movements, forgetting lyrics and dance steps, falling over his own feet or nothing at all.

Unable to stand off to the side anymore despite Johnny's orders to let Yamapi recover on his own, Ryo followed him home after work one evening, and, knowing Yamapi would never let him in willingly, shot out of the stairwell at the last minute to catch his apartment door before it clicked shut.

Slipping inside, he ignored Yamapi's accusing glare and ushered him through to the living room, swiping a few cans of beer - and noting there was nothing else in Yamapi's fridge - on the way.

Yamapi sat with his head in his hands, shaking silently until Ryo put a hand on his shoulder. Yamapi let out a soft, devastated sob and threw himself into Ryo's now outstretched arms. Ryo held him until he had calmed down enough to speak, drawing shuddering breaths and scrubbing at his eyes with the back of his hand.

"I can't do this, Ryo-chan. I can't do it anymore..."

Ryo just handed Yamapi his coat to wipe his eyes on, and passed him one of the cans of beer, letting him talk.

"He's everywhere... I can't stop thinking about him, how am I supposed to move on? Everyone I see, it's like they're him, only I know they're not and it just hurts even more... I can't do it, I can't forget him when he won't leave me alone!" Yamapi cried, his voice cracking, and he forced a few deep breaths to hold back the tears threatening to fall again.

"Why are you trying to forget him? D'you think Jin would've wanted that?" Ryo's voice was soft, but clear, and Yamapi raised shining eyes to meet his.

"It's the only thing I can do... I can't live without him... Ryo-chan, it hurts so much, it's like s-something's... trying to tear me apart..." Yamapi wrapped his arms around his middle, the can falling from his grip onto the sofa and rolling around sadly.

Ryo shifted closer, and pulled the other man into a hug, "You don't have to live without him, not like that. He's still here, Pi, still in _here_ ," he pressed a hand to Yamapi's chest before tightening his grip, rocking them both slowly, "As long as he's still there, he's still with you.

"He _is_ everywhere, he was always everywhere. He was always so happy, wasn't he? He wouldn't want you to be hurting like this, not over him. He's still here, in anything good and bright and true. His soul might be in a better place - probably one with lots of adoring fans and hair products-" Yamapi snorted into Ryo's shirt and sniffed, "-but he'd never leave you, not willingly. You can't stop seeing him because he's still _here_. Anything that makes you smile, that's him, and when you laugh, he's listening, probably laughing with you."

Yamapi swallowed hard enough that Ryo could hear it, and he held him even tighter, cheek pressed against the top of Yamapi's head.

"He's always around, Pi, he's not gone anywhere, you just can't see him anymore. It's just like it always was - remember how you used to say sometimes he was the only thing that got you through the worst filming shoots, that lasted way into the morning? That you didn't have to be with him, you just knew he was wishing you did your best?" Yamapi nodded, with difficultly in Ryo's grip, "It's just like that. He's still hoping you do your best, still wants everything for you. Do your best for him, Pi. He'll always be around to see it."

Jin was everywhere.

Yamapi smiled.

**Author's Note:**

> Ryo's little speech turned awfully cheesy, and for that, I'm sorry.


End file.
